


The Very Secret Diary of Kerr Avon

by Susannah_Shepherd



Category: Blake's 7
Genre: Gen, Humor, Pastiche, Season/Series 01, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-04-05
Updated: 2002-04-05
Packaged: 2017-10-06 10:13:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Susannah_Shepherd/pseuds/Susannah_Shepherd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Avon shares his innermost thoughts and aspirations in a diary covering the time from his conviction to the Andromedan invasion. Find out exactly why he switches to wearing black leather!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Very Secret Diary of Kerr Avon

**Author's Note:**

> A blatant pastiche of Cassandra Claire's hilarious Lord of the Rings parodies, the ['Very Secret Diaries'](http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/)

# THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF KERR AVON

  


## by Susannah Shepherd

 

 

**ENTRY 1**     [_The Way Back_]

Found guilty and sentenced to life on Cygnus Alpha. Damn. Unlikely to become Richest Man in Galaxy in foreseeable future. Memo to self—do not trust anyone again. Ever.

Transit cells hold a collection of various lowlife scum. Lie on bed and pretend to be asleep while listening to conversations. Big curly-headed chap and blonde woman sound less psychopathic than most, but Curly seems to think he is going to get out of here. Clearly delusional. Mousy thief tried to lift my watch. I’ll kill him if he tries anything.

**ENTRY 2**     [_Space Fall_]

Must make choice between dumping prisoners and taking my chances with the crew, or dumping crew and taking chances with Blake’s mutiny. Not sure which option is least appealing. Blake appears to be certifiable lunatic, but, unlike the crew, gives the impression he will not toss me out airlock.

I take over the ship single-handed, but graze knuckles in process. Blake ruins it all by proving he’s insane AND soft. Idiot. End up locked in restraints.

Later, things looking up. Get sent on suicidal salvage mission to alien spacecraft with Blake and Jenna, and Blake shows himself to be not entirely useless. More than happy to see the back of the _London_, although I could wish for better—or fewer—travelling companions.

Prospect of being Richest Man in Galaxy improving slightly.

**ENTRY 3**     [_Cygnus Alpha_]

Fascinating ship, although main computer could do with some fundamental reprogramming. Contents of treasure room v. interesting. So interesting that I grabbed the first things off the racks in clothing room and didn’t realise how awful I looked for quite some time.

Turned my not inconsiderable charms on Jenna to persuade her to dump Blake and share the money and ship. She said she’d kill me if I try anything. Wonder if she is a lesbian.

Blake’s risky heroics gained a whole two extra crew, one of them the aforementioned annoying thief. Unfortunately the other is too staid and moral to support coup in favour of wealth and self-preservation.

Richest Man in Galaxy looking attainable position once again—as soon as I can ditch Blake.

**ENTRY 4**     [_Time Squad_]

Teenage years spent locked in bedroom playing StarshipSim not wasted after all. Even impressed Jenna.

Picked up an Auronar on Saurian Major. Enjoyed watching her knock Blake down and plant her boot on his chest—have fantasised about that myself. Could have sworn she gave me the eye afterwards, but telepathic alien trained killers not really my type. Close call at the end. Could certainly become Richest Man in Galaxy if I figure out exactly how teleport works.

If flight deck cattiness anything to go by, Jenna definitely not a lesbian. That and the fact I caught her and Blake holding hands in the cargo hold. A worrying development.

**ENTRY 5**     [_The Web_]

Cally came on to me again, but appears to have been possessed at the time—deflating. Saved Blake’s life (WHY????) and ended up tangled on floor with him. Not sure which was the more embarrassing. Alien women and idealistic rebels more trouble than they are worth.

Ship engulfed by giant fungus. Did not eat any of the crew, more’s the pity. Blake attempted pathetic negotiations to save a horde of slobbering mutants, but wouldn’t admit defeat until AFTER the weaponry had been demonstrated on yours truly. Bastard.

**ENTRY 6**     [_Seek-Locate-Destroy_]

Blake left Cally behind in mess on Centero. Charming to know how much he cares for our safety. Even more foolishly decided to go back for her, just to get the rest of us killed as well. Turns out there’s a senior officer in Space Command with a personal vendetta against him. Wonderful.

Got Cally back—glad, really, I think. Still not sure she’s not reading my mind when she gives me that look, though.

**ENTRY 7**     [_Mission to Destiny_]

More ships drifting in space. At least this one had a pretty blonde on it, plus a corpse. Thought about making play for blonde by impressing her with my all-round skills, but Cally kept sending sharp telepathic messages at inopportune moments.

Blake left Cally and me behind with a murderer while HE played saviour and delivered hugely valuable item. Thoughts of Richest Man in Galaxy return.

Deduced that blonde was homicidal. I got to restrain her; quite fun, except for the low blow—still a bit tender. Cally offered to rub something medicinal into it.

**ENTRY 8**     [_Duel_]

Ship taken over by strange aliens AGAIN, though as we were cornered by pursuit ships at the time, one ought not complain. Blake and Travis chased each other with sharpened sticks, rather tedious after first few hours. Knew Blake couldn’t kill him, the soft sod.

Actually felt a little worried about Blake’s safety. V. odd. Have been on this ship too long. Found myself draped over him when ship hit by plasma bolt. Definite first sign of space fatigue, even if he is rather less easily tossed across the flight deck than I. Must be careful.

I’m sure I’d have been a better tree climber than Jenna.

**ENTRY 9**     [_Project Avalon_]

Nice to know Blake isn’t the only rebel in the galaxy, and that he isn’t (quite) the most incompetent one. Joint incompetence nearly got us all killed by android and/or the plague.

Quite pleased with myself for reprogramming that android—hoped Blake might be impressed too. Too busy fawning over Avalon to notice, of course. Wonder whether Blake fancies her, or vice versa. Jenna will kill her if she tries anything.

**ENTRY 10**     [_Breakdown_]

Gan tried to kill us all. Blake’s messiah complex gets worse—had to talk him out of brain surgery, of all things. Got no thanks for getting auxiliaries back on line manually and saving us all, of course. Does Blake know how difficult that IS, especially with maniac throwing one across the room?

XK72 destroyed. Damn. Damn. DAMN! I was SO close to getting off this ship and becoming Richest Man in Galaxy by selling teleport technology to highest bidder... Had threatened to leave, but now stuck with this lot until next bolthole appears. Only Cally said she wanted me to stay. Bastards.

**ENTRY 11**     [_Bounty_]

Blake goes off to kidnap man in voluntary exile. All in the name of personal freedom, of course.

Rest of us fall for Amagon trap—very embarrassing. Had visions of Jenna disappearing with Amagons and becoming Richest Woman in Galaxy, although was rather surprised that she’d sell Blake out to do it. Must have turned her down once too often. At least Vila finally proves himself useful. Relieved to get that door open without asking him for help.

Sarkoff’s daughter and Jenna also prove themselves useful. Tyce flutters eyelashes at Blake a lot, who looks embarrassed while Jenna looks daggers. V. funny. Starting to wonder if Blake is gay.

**ENTRY 12**     [_Deliverance_]

That’s the last time I volunteer for altruistic rescue mission. Miserable cold bloody planet. Finally found an anorak in clothing room that doesn’t make me look like a member of Blake’s boy scout troop.

Got mistaken for a god by wide-eyed woman in skimpy nightie. Easy mistake to make, I suppose, especially with the company I keep. Fawning a bit embarrassing, but nice to have someone who appreciates one’s skills. Not sure the adoration was worth radiation poisoning, though.

**ENTRY 13**     [_Orac_]

Relief to get decontaminant drugs. Was starting to wonder if this was it. Expected Blake to keep me working despite splitting headache, but a little disappointed that Cally didn’t offer a bed-bath.

I don’t believe it. Blake lets Travis go again! Obviously I am going to have to kill him myself. Nearly managed it today. Too busy not throwing up to aim straight.

Not sure Orac machine really worth 100 million. Perhaps should sell it to Federation and become Richest Man in Galaxy. Needs some severe interface readjustment. All that "personality" a waste of programming capacity. Ensor should have known better.

Stunning looking woman, the Supreme Commander. But she’d kill me if I tried anything. Perhaps she goes for Travis’s black leather look. Hmmm.

**ENTRY 14**     [_Redemption_]

Figured out how to avoid Orac’s prediction and make Blake look stupid. Hah. Think the machine is just bluffing anyway.

All right, so Orac wasn’t bluffing. Nearly kill self saving Blake’s life, get slightly more thanks than usual i.e. some as opposed to none. Vila useful for once. Hope I didn’t hit him too hard.

Tried to remember what Travis was wearing on Aristo and got Zen to run something up in black leather. Not quite right look yet, but seemed to do something for Jenna.

If Blake speaks to me like that again I WILL pound him into the deck. Bastard.

**ENTRY 15**     [_Shadow_]

Blake has finally, irrevocably, flipped. Thinks he can deal with the Terra Nostra. Unbelievable. The man is so naïve it’s mindboggling. Got last laugh in end, but might pay to stay out of TN reach for a while. Quite fond of breathing.

Vila a fool, but wouldn’t have minded investigating some parts of Space City myself. Had interesting chat with Orac re capabilities, after making sure I can destroy damned thing if necessary.

Also wouldn’t have minded seeing Cally manning blasters. Wonder what boots she was wearing at the time—perhaps should offer her loan of these ones. Mmmm. Shame she gets possessed and talks to cacti. Telekinesis a clever trick, though.

**ENTRY 16**     [_Weapon_]

Two Blakes. Marvellous. Just what the universe needs. One is hard enough work... That thought almost more frightening than being marked with IMIPAK. Too much to hope that Blake clone will just destroy weapon, I suppose. Reasoned thought not part of genetic makeup.

Servalan did not look twice at leather gear—v. disappointed. Is colour the problem? Wonder where weapons techs get their clothes.

Has Travis changed his haircut?

**ENTRY 17**     [_Horizon_]

Why do the fates hate me? So close. SO CLOSE.

Strange sense of relief at seeing Blake alive, even if I nearly did shoot him. Could have sworn he was deliberately posturing with that sledgehammer, all masculine and sweaty-torsoed and broad-shouldered and muscled... Poseur. Double poseur for that risky stunt with the pursuit ships.

On reflection, probably would not want to be stuck on this ship with just Orac for company. Couldn’t do good back massages like Cally, even if she does spend a bit much time loosening my tailbone (that’s what she claims she’s doing, anyway).

Must modify these boots. Fine for flight deck, hopeless for heroic rescues. Not that anyone said thank you. Would have served Blake right if I had run.

**ENTRY 18**     [_Pressure Point_]

Wouldn’t want to admit it publicly, but would quite like that quiet spell Cally suggested. Not at all surprised to find myself headed for Earth instead. Also no longer surprised that others ARE surprised. Stupid crew.

Oh, Blake. Should have suspected a trap, but we so nearly both had what we wanted. So nearly all over. But would you have found it worth the price? Would be hypocritical to claim I’ll miss Gan, but it shouldn’t have happened.

V. glad the price wasn’t me. Never was much good at athletics. V.v. glad Blake is a good shot.

**ENTRY 19**     [_Trial_]

Too much to hope that he really might run. Can’t believe I actually felt sorry for him down on Earth. And I REALLY can’t believe I went back. I’m sure I’ll live to regret it. Hope I’ll live to regret it...

Idea of being Richest Man in Galaxy rears its head again, but somehow my heart’s just not in it these days. V. strange. Still, can always sell detector shield technology when Blake not looking. Go me!

**ENTRY 20**     [_Killer_]

Tynus just as much a bastard as ever. Funny how I used to like him for that. Should have shopped him years ago—don’t see why he should have ended up base commander while I get stuck here with Blake. No more Mr Nice Guy from Kerr Avon.

Another mystery ship has nasty cargo. What a surprise. Blake must be learning, didn’t fall for it this time. Why will he listen to Cally but not me? Still can’t see what moral objection is to infecting ship full of Space Command with fast-acting virus. The man is too soft for his own good, not to mention mine.

Vila getting a little perceptive. Must watch that. Would not do to assume he is complete idiot.

**ENTRY 21**     [_Hostage_]

Nearly certain Cally is rummaging around in my head. Completely certain that being shot HURTS—not that I was about to admit that with Blake there.

In retrospect, shouldn’t have confessed I dobbed Travis in. Funny the things you say when you think you’re dying. Could have said worse under the circumstances. Good thing Vila there being complete idiot to distract me.

Whole Blake family obviously suspect—shouldn’t eye cousins up like that, even if you do live on miserable prison planet. Jenna will kill her if she tries anything. Point probably moot given Blake's lack of interest in anything female.

**ENTRY 22**     [_Countdown_]

Provine surprises even me—might show Blake it isn’t usually rebels who pay price of resistance. Solium bombs, very nasty. Nasty shock seeing Del again, too. Bomb going off probably would have rounded day off nicely. Still a bit surprised he didn’t flatten me, after what he told me.

Not looking forward to next few days. Blake being incredibly nosy in that it’s-all-for-your-own-good sympathetic comrade style of his. Told him in the end I’d talk to Cally about her. He looked rather hurt. The man does not have a clue. Don’t need to talk to Cally, of course.

Not sleeping well. Felt guilty lying to Blake, v. worrying.

**ENTRY 23**     [_Voice from the Past_]

Suspicion that I’ve been following madman around galaxy finally confirmed. Wild-eyed chanting of ‘renounce, renounce’ does not inspire confidence. Glad I didn’t have to share his excuse for a brain, but still had to pin him down for quite some time. He’s every bit as big and muscled and strong and insane as he looks. Left me rather exhausted.

Was expecting some sort of disaster at conference, but MUST have been exhausted to fall for Travis’s weak excuse for a disguise. Can only blame stress of worrying about Blake.

Why do these things always happen when we’re heading on holiday? Had good book and deserted island all sorted out...

**ENTRY 24**     [_Gambit_]

Five million credits!!!! Haven’t thought about being Richest Man in Galaxy for long time. Should probably start considering it again, before Blake really does get me killed. Losing my nerve for the high stakes stuff—better just stick to computers and banks. Took ages to get ice-cream stains off tunic. Funny how Vila can hold his nerve if large sums of money involved.

Hear Jenna called Cally a cheap little space tramp and Cally called Jenna a slut. Wish I’d been there to see it. Glad I missed Blake refusing to kill Travis again, though. What exactly is he waiting for? I really am going to have to do it myself. The man’s becoming a proper nuisance.

**ENTRY 25**     [_The Keeper_]

One planetfall I was happy to miss—bunch of psychotic inbreeds by all accounts. Blake got what he wanted, though. Dread to think what he’s going to do. Thought whole point of this exercise was to replace Federation leadership with something better, i.e. him, but he suddenly has fit of ‘I’m not worthy’. Have horrible suspicions about what’s going to happen next.

Nearly finished Travis off, at least slowed him down. Got no thanks, of course. Beginning to think Blake WANTS him alive. Don’t really want to think about why...

**ENTRY 26**     [_Star One_]

So he really is going to do it. Where did that great bleeding heart disappear to? Wonder if his precious rabble know just how cheaply he values their lives.

Only bright point is that it will FINALLY be over. The _Liberator_ will be mine. I will be Richest Man in Galaxy. No more running, no more pursuit ships, no more Travis, no more Blake. I’ll be free of it all. Free of him. Free. FREE!

No time to write. Killed Travis. Huge Andromedan fleet to hold off. Blake knows how to choose moment to admit he needs me. Bastard.

Hope he’s going to be all right.

 

**THE END**


End file.
